C.R.E.A.M. #34 - Ft. Richard Porter | Grand Tour Rumours, Top Gear Secrets, And The Nerd Off

0:00 Grand Tour Comeback

There's been Grand Tour rumors.

Are you involved in the new

Grand Tour?

And is there anything you can tell us?

Anything?

I've got to be quite careful because I think

I am still

under an NDA.

We get a schedule.

And we finally sorted out a date.

If you visually, you can see two beats behind us.

Two under beats.

One of those R-rit is Richard,

so we'll get to that in a minute.

Smith & Sniff.

We got one half right here.

And there's a little bit of a nerd-off

probably going to happen today,

and we're really looking forward to it.

So, Mr.

Richard Porter, could you please introduce

yourself other than being a car nerd?

What are you?

That's all I am.

Beyond that, just face.

Yes, my name's Richard Porter.

I am a writer and a podcaster now with Smith

& Sniff, which you just mentioned.

Thank you for that.

And I do scripts, I suppose most notoriously,

I was the script editor for Top Gear from

2002 until 2015, and then I did the same job

for The Grand Tour in the Clarkson-Hammond & May era.

But I also do sort of script-y stuff for

other TV shows that I don't really talk about

because they're not how interesting,

or I'm not allowed to.

And I write books.

You've owned?

I've owned.

Only two of the books.

I've never actually moved on to the third

boring car trivia.

But it's one of my favorite things that I have.

I never, so Richard has a book called boring.

It is called boring car trivia.

It's called boring car trivia because the

first one was done during one of the COVID

lockdowns when I was bored.

And I just punted it out on Amazon's

self-publishing platform, which was great

because you can just do it yourself.

One of the things that was particularly

joyful about that was because I've written

lots of other books for sort of proper publishers.

And I could imagine if I went to a publisher,

I'd like to do a book called boring car trivia.

It's a bit off-putting.

Could you think of something else?

But it's like there was no one to stop me.

So I did it.

And the other thing about calling a book that

I think the first one was called a

medium-sized book of boring country.

It was not a really stupid title.

And after that, they've just been boring car

trivia two, three, and four.

But the great thing about having that title

is it's liberating because then nothing is off-limits.

So I was doing one for the last one or the

one before when I was just listing the engine

orientations of successive generations of

Volkswagen Passat.

Because if you remember, they sort of went

long ways and then crossways and then passed

long ways and then crossways again.

And I stopped myself.

I was a bit like, oh God, this is a new level of boring.

Maybe I should take this out.

Actually, no, I shouldn't take it out because

the book is called boring car trivia.

Of course, it's going to stay in.

It's like this is almost the perfect fact for this book.

So also we as car people are quite aware.

We're quite self like we will admit how,

I don't know, whenever someone,

if someone had been a party or something,

someone would be like, oh, you're into cars.

I'll be like, I'm going to stop you there

because you don't want to talk about it.

It's boring.

We're boring.

Let's move on.

Well, I always think with things like that,

that, you know, those, those high charts they

have at the entrance to roller coasters that

say you must be this tall to ride this roller coaster?

I always think when someone like,

I used to get it for, there's a period in

your life, I think, when you end up going to

a lot of weddings.

And for a period in my, I guess early 30s,

I would form myself at a wedding sitting next

to some random guy and he'd go,

you know, we'd sort of get chatty and he'd

go, you like cars and I'd go,

yeah, I do like cars.

You'd go, I like cars.

I'd want to go stop.

You must be this nerdy to ride what it's

about to happen, okay?

If you go, yeah, I've got a 320D,

I really love cars.

You know, my favorite car I've ever owned,

Cavalier GSI.

And I'd be like, a cab.

Right, I'm going to stop you there.

In the 80s, Mazda sold the Mazda 323 under a

made up name because they were built in South

Africa to avoid input restrictions.

What was it called?

If you can't tell me, we're going to

talk about something else, anything else.

Flower ranging zeppers.

But we can't talk about cars because my

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the description.

And they go, I'll read this.

I read you this.

Which speaking of, I have a fact for you,

we posted a video, perhaps you might know this.

A Mark II Ford Focus RS came in which colours?

Ultimate green, frozen white and,

oh, frozen white and ultimate green and

performance blue and then Panther black and

then Panther black, but why was it called ultimate green?

Because it was the best green because Ford

were rallying with BP, BP ultimate,

they made ultimate green.

Wow.

That's the fact that someone posted their

comments in a day and that is the sort of

stuff we love.

I'm not as keen on the colour now.

No, that's just a BP, it's just a marketing exercise.

I don't like that at all.

Ultimate green was great until I knew about that.

It feels a bit dirty, doesn't it?

I'm corporate marketing.

I'm driving around in shell,

yeah.

Hang on, was that car not in orange as well?

That was the ST.

Oh, yes.

Electric orange.

Electric orange.

Asbo orange as it now is.

Yeah, yeah.

So for any of you listening who are apps more

casually interested in cars,

yup.

This is what it's going to be like.

And also, unfortunately, if we cut to Ben by

the camera, oh, wait, we can't,

Ben's not here.

Ben's not here.

So unfortunately, we don't have any,

any muse to stop, to stop the car.

No, because I saw one of those code rotavia

medical cars out on the road and he was just

preparing to ram it with a bulldozer for some reason.

He's out on the streets.

He's on control.

Stay vigilant.

So we've done a little bit of a preamble,

but we haven't answered the question.

We haven't.

single Cars Rule Everything Around Me podcast.

Also, Richard, you said you've listened to a

podcast or two.

Yeah, I listened to your podcast.

We also, we actually both do listen to Smith and Smith.

I also listened to the other shots,

because God, you're really dedicated.

So, but at the beginning of every single

podcast, we answer whether they rule cars,

rule or ruin.

Perhaps, Richard, would you like to start us?

Sorry.

Also, a bit of ADHD.

You have chosen on the screen behind us,

Colin McCray rally.

Yeah.

So last game that I sort of seriously lost

vast tracts of time to.

And you've got, I don't know what's going on here.

One of those things, you know,

the sort of little earworms that are in your

brain, and they may pop out at any time,

years later.

And they're often triggered by something

completely unrelated.

But in sort of, what was it called,

like, learner mode or whatever in this game?

You had a scoda fabric, I think,

or a...

Okay, the old one.

The boxy one.

No, no.

Fabia?

No, it was pre-fabia.

That's the thing.

It was a...

Oh, shit, me.

What was the...

It was called...

Fabia, anyway, it doesn't matter.

Those front wheel drive, small scoders,

in a car park, basically, with a lovingly

rendered sort of eight-bit portacab in on one

side and cones.

But if you just started plowing through all

the cones deliberately, Colin's voice would

come on and go, "Stop messing about."

And sometimes I'll be going about my day now

in much older adult life.

And for something will make me think of Colin

McRae's voice going, "Stop messing about."

I'm

quite a superstitious man, so this I don't

want to be

too cocky, but I am in maximum rule.

Okay, interesting.

When is this podcast going live?

Not this Thursday, next

Thursday.

Oh great, so I can talk about my new car,

then.

A new car.

I love the way you're faced with you.

I bought the beat here.

I meant to describe that.

You also own a Honda beat.

I also own a man over six foot.

He's also decided to insert himself into a Honda beat.

You're a man who, like me, who is constantly

asked, how do you fit in that?

In the other one.

So I bought the beat a few months ago,

weirdly from a place like just round the

corner from here.

Really spooky.

I didn't know you were here and this guy sold

me the beat.

So obviously that means that rules.

It's lovely.

And I just had a, I mean, I did,

I set my Google Maps to avoid motorways.

Yeah, I do the timing.

Exactly.

I do think it will sit at 70 miles an hour.

And it is weirdly steady.

Do you know what the, have you got the factory limiter?

I've not checked.

Mine is 83 miles an hour.

You can't go anymore.

Oh, no.

Yeah, it's interesting.

Yeah, you watch that.

That is an E60 M5.

I thought that is.

I thought we were being invaded.

It also sounds like a boiler on its way.

Now.

So, but you've got a new car?

Yes.

Let me take it from the top.

There are, I think, four reasons why cars

rule for me at the moment.

One, the beat.

It's sunny out and I've got a beat and that

makes me happy.

You're beating.

Two, I have just secured, I think,

some new car storage, all valuable,

which is in itself a delight because it is dry.

It's nothing fancy and it is quite cheap,

but also crucially, it is 10 minutes from my house.

That's nice to have.

This leads me on to three, another reason,

which is a rule, but it's a rule based on

excitement because I have an end of days old

Land Rover Defender, so one from 2015 on the

heritage ones.

That's very nice.

That's been in a very expensive storage place

near London for three years because I put it

there temporarily and then never got it back

because it's so far away.

I moved house further away from it.

Yeah.

And then for forgot to go back.

Yeah.

But you know, when you leave something in an

old house, the new buyer or renter or

whatever will go, you know, you've left this

CD rack or something.

That's just to happen to me.

But the car storage place, they're happy to

keep taking my money.

And I was a bit like, I'll find somewhere

nice and dry to put the Defender because I

don't have a garage at home.

And once I've done that, I'll get it back.

And it's taken me three years to do that.

So point three, I'm getting my Defender back.

I'm going to go and get it probably next week.

So that's great.

I'm very excited to have that back because I

love that car.

The children love that car.

I can't go anywhere then.

Randomly, my daughter, who's seven,

will go, Daddy, when's the green car coming back?

Because she knows we still own it.

She just knows it's gone somewhere else.

It's gone to a farm.

It's a far away.

It's a play with the other different people.

It won't be around anymore.

Yes.

We have abused defenders on this podcast.

We have, very briefly, the Defender community

got briefly angry at us.

Yes.

I vaguely remember that.

Are you ever comfortable in a Defender?

Yes.

Really?

I don't have a problem.

When people go, "Where'd you put your right arm?"

next to my body in the usual place.

Yes.

I stack them.

No, I don't have a problem.

I think I'm just a defender,

because I'm quite tall, but I'm not particularly broad.

Yes.

I just, I mean, I've done loads of miles in that car.

Like, you know, sort of motorway trips up north.

But in the late one, right?

It's a PMAP.

So, Puma.

It's a bit nice.

It's a lot nicer inside.

Yeah.

Not they still make it.

I was on the Land Rover website the other day

for some reason.

I think I was trying to figure out their range.

I was just going through it and I was like,

"What's what?"

here.

Let me get the layer of the land.

And I was going through it and I thought,

"It's an old defender."

I went, "Sorry, what?"

It just said, "New classic defender."

And I thought, "Have I stumbled upon a piece

of news that no one else has found?"

But I think it's like Land Rover works.

And it says, "Based on a year 2012 to 2015

defender, the price is off of the ridiculous."

It's like two to three hundred thousand pounds.

It's V8, do whatever you like.

They looked at the car and he went,

"Hold on."

There's some money in this.

He just never stopped.

Guys, we have stopped.

We can carry on.

You mean making new ones with the same name?

Keep making the old one?

I like the sound of that.

So yes, they do, don't they?

They're V8 and they're auto.

And I know someone who bought one and sold it

very quickly afterwards.

Because they're not very good.

Apparently, I'm not driven one,

but I was told that he's just not a good dear

disappointment.

Mine's not that.

So 2.2 Puma, six-speed box.

It just bumbles like it's a 90.

So you constantly just think,

good thing, good thing, good thing,

moving back and forth.

But yeah, I can fit in it fine.

I don't have a problem.

My mate restores them and I've tried so many

times to get rid of them and I just never have.

No, it's probably because I've only ever

driven a series two that's held together with

tin and wires.

But it feels like that's what they are.

Whenever I see a defender man,

woman, anyone on the motorway or any road,

they are steering wheelers here.

Their arm is pressed like pushed up against the window.

A little bit of fog on the wheelchair.

Just fog everywhere.

And there's just three other people in it

looking equally as miserable.

Wishing that journey would just end ASAP.

But yeah, maybe I haven't driven one.

So maybe I need to.

Maybe we have to do it for a video.

Just actually driver.

I don't know.

I'd be interested either.

You'll just go.

Okay.

Yeah.

I get it.

Oh, more likely you'll go.

This is bloody awful.

And you'll never drive on again.

Yeah.

But that's fine.

I'm not going to pretend it's a good car.

It's not.

But you like it.

Yeah.

It has a personality.

And I think it also, it is in whatever mood you're in.

Because on a day like today,

when it's nice and sunny, and this evening's

going to be, I think, a lovely balmy early

summer evening, driving across the English

countryside in that defendant with the

windows down is somehow just a

moment of zen for me.

Liquid England?

Yeah, it really is.

Yeah.

It's like, I don't want to sound as all

brexty about it.

But it is.

And American couldn't do the same thing in

America with a defender.

It wouldn't work.

It wouldn't make sense.

Americans would get that warm and fuzzy

feeling from, I don't know, maybe a Corvette

with the roof off, or a pick up.

Or a pick up.

Yeah, yeah.

So, or a Jeep Wrangler or something.

Yeah, yeah.

No, absolutely.

But the defender makes me feel warm and fuzzy

in a way I can't explain because it is

technically a crap car.

But for me, it's the same thing with the beat.

The beat is not a good car.

No, it doesn't make any sense.

It's very slow.

It's shit, really.

Yeah.

But I love it.

And if any, and I never want it to go

anywhere, because I love it.

Would, have you ever, or has anyone ever

asked to drive your beat and you've sort of

gone, I am, we, you've talked about it a few times.

There is a, Misha in, in Germany,

he reviews cars.

Yes, yes.

We have, he is essentially a car cuck.

Sorry, now he is not the people that give

their cars a car cucks.

I never thought of it like that.

But yes, you're absolutely right.

I'm asking a man who's a professional to

drive your car as hard as possible.

Yes.

So I don't wish to sound front of you.

Exactly.

As you, while you watch.

But I, but with my cars, I, I'm,

if someone is interested in driving it,

I'm happy for them.

And have a go in it.

Yeah.

So I let everyone, literally the beat,

the beat is for anyone who wants to have a go.

They may have seen many drive the beat.

But there is one condition is that they must

touch 9,000 up here.

And it is the only deal with it.

Yeah.

Otherwise you will get out and go,

what's the point in this?

I don't get it at all.

Hey, you say that, but I, I don't say the

novelty is ward off.

But what has happened is sit in the,

in the few months I've had my,

I've realized you don't have to drive it like that.

No, you don't know what the water falling on me.

But I, I, I drive it around town shortly.

shifting.

Yeah, yeah, around town.

Yeah.

And it's amazing how I'm going to say

tractable, which is one of those words that

people only ever use in relation to cars.

Yeah.

Low refs, but tractable is like good.

That's only one reason you say it.

That's only one reason you say tractable.

But yeah, I was, I've, I've finally got into this.

I've realized that I can just row the beat.

Yeah.

It's fine.

It's, although I was, I was thinking this on

the way here this morning's the first time

I've driven mine in the wild.

Let's, we won't make this a beat podcast,

don't worry.

But the, it punishes you when you're on it.

Yeah.

It punishes you for doing anything other than

shifting at nine.

I shifted at seven and it went,

eh.

Yeah.

Sorry.

I just shifted at seven thousand off the air

when you're going, that wasn't enough.

Not for me.

So I love it.

It's, it's great.

I haven't had the cam belt changed on mine yet.

I've got the kit from Japan.

Okay.

And because I'm not as handy with cars as you

two, I'm not going to do it myself.

Right.

Even close.

So I've got a guy lined up to do it.

I just need to have it.

Okay.

Because when I bought it, I said,

the guy I bought it.

Do you know when the cam belt was done?

No.

No.

It revs to nine.

I think you need to probably be

aware.

Anyway, fine.

I'll get it.

So, so part of it was like, I won't rev it

too hard until I've had the cam belt,

but it's so hard to resist.

Oh, please.

If you'd like to, is yours, does yours go to mine?

Or is it the eight and a half?

Because there's this, an ECU upgrade that

essentially allows it to go fuel cup up to the top.

I was led to believe, no, I haven't.

I'm too chicken because of my cam belt.

I'll go to.

probably eight, four in the road,

every so often.

No, I was led to believe that they will

happily go to nine.

I didn't realize you had to mod them to do that.

Well, I think it was basically a,

like the equivalent of like pulling a fuse in

an SLK back in the day where it's like

everyone did it.

So it's, they're all basically ready for it.

Right.

But some of the early ones, because this

still has its electronic limiter at 83.

Yeah.

So it won't go further than that.

Be able, it will happily go to nine.

Could it?

Could it?

How troubling do you think it would be beyond 83?

I think it won't do much more.

I think you might touch 92, 93.

What sort of revs are you at?

You work like seven and a half.

Okay.

So you're getting...

So it's got revs left.

Yeah.

Oh, absolutely.

You're midway through.

Exactly.

9K at 100 miles an hour.

That's the thing about driving on the

motorway is not that it's not good for it.

Cause it will sit at 70.

And I did it on a dual carry's way today.

It was, and I took my hands off the wheel and

it just tracked absolutely straight and true.

And it's like, that is quite remarkable,

really.

Cause there's some cars that aren't very good

at that and they're supposed to be.

Yeah.

It feels cruel that you're keeping it at one rev.

Absolutely level.

I don't like to personify cars,

but I

have multiple times thought,

I'm sorry.

I will go for an overtake.

Someone's doing 68.

I'm not dealing with this.

So I'll go around them and go,

oh no, you're just sitting at 8000,

please.

What I'll do is that I'll slow down a bit for

a while and then speed up again just to try

and give it a variety.

So that'll hold you for too long.

You've been a good boy.

You will be rude.

revving.

Yeah.

So the fourth thing is that I've bought a

new car, which I was going to announce on our

podcast,

which will have come out Monday just gone.

Okay.

So we're

allowed to know.

And people will have seen this car,

perhaps, on Johnny Smith's late break show

all over last

weekend or last Sunday night when it's gone live.

Johnny, you better not have screwed me on

this because we go, it's where that organ is,

particularly because the late break show is

obviously Johnny's solo thing.

Basically, Johnny did this barn final car.

He knew it would be right at my street.

He video called me from.

Oh, you mentioned this on one of the podcasts.

Did I?

You've said that you called him for,

and I can't remember if he said what it was.

I don't think he said the car.

Because it was the same person,

sorry, this is very, you got to be worrying

on both channels now, where he had the car,

the house was full of memorabilia.

Yes.

That's right.

Oh, I can remember what it was.

Okay, well, please put the car.

I need to know the car.

It is a 1985 MG Metro Turbo.

Oh, that's very good.

Yes.

Oh, that's very good.

It's sat for 30 years in a dry garage.

Color?

White.

Oh, it's the

good one.

Our room white.

Because remember those turbos,

like it's a pre facelift.

It's an only one.

Yeah.

So it's a box here.

Yeah.

So it's a box here with the bigger

headlights, the amber indicators.

Personally, I think I prefer that look.

It's like OG Metro, I just like that.

They actually get a bit more old person.

Yes.

The closer they get, the sort of 90s,

that's when they get a bit old people.

They also become a little bit chavvy,

the later ones, the early ones.

Even if it's a GTI or anything.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

That's cool.

So it's white, but then the turbo has the

black lower half with the wheel extensions

and an air dam, as they used to be called.

And the graphics down the side.

80s, fantastic.

It's also got an LED turbo boost gauge inside

the instruments.

And for some reason.

Yeah, it's a glan cleanser.

So it's...

Baron, I've not even seen this car in person yet.

Johnny's vouched for it, and I just made the owner died.

So the family are clearing out the house,

they needed the car gone.

This is why they contacted Johnny to dig it

out from the garage.

So I made them an offer, essentially.

and I'm going off photographs and the good

word of Johnny Smith, which is,

you know, he's got an eagle eye for rot and

he's got it's clean as a whistle.

So he sent me one of the first photos he sent

me was just a close up of the turbo boost gauge.

And I noticed interesting typography choices

they've made.

It's turbo in lowercase and boost in uppercase.

Turbo boost, which I really like.

Yeah, that is, oh, that's very cool.

We both, we both like those.

I mean, you have, you have an attachment to

metros anyway.

My dad is building a six or four replica tow thing.

So he has a chassis, which has got all the

sort of difficult stuff done with the big

strut towers at the back.

And he's got the doors from a metro and I

think a 20,000-odd mile metro gave his life.

Oh, God.

Many years ago for it.

And he bought it on eBay to build.

So that's in Italy at the moment.

But yeah.

It's in Italy.

Yeah, it was a, I don't remember if we've

mentioned this on the podcast.

It was one of the scamiest sounding things.

Sorry.

I just realized that.

The reason I have my computing is to pull up

photos for you guys.

So that is, is that?

Yep.

That's the one.

Oh my.

Yeah.

Mine's a B-reg.

So it's a late Mark 1.

But that's exactly it with those turbo

graphics on the door that sort of the letters

overlap really 80s and red seat belts.

Nice.

That's all I've ever wanted.

You are, you're an English car man.

Right.

Well, I mean, you are wearing a BL shirt right now.

I know I am.

And I would like to have this exact logo.

as a tattoo.

To scale in the middle of your chest.

No, no, no, no.

But it's just that it remains.

On my back, because I'm going to have Nigel

Mansell on my chest.

With chest hair as eyebrows,

obviously, isn't it?

I have a manscaping job, but it's durable.

A mansalscaping?

Yes.

So, am I British car?

I suppose I am.

I mean, I don't.

Well, obviously the Honda's not British.

True.

Although I was told on reasonably good

authority that some thought was given by

Rover in the '90s to importing the beat as a MG midget.

Oh, that's interesting.

I actually had no idea.

I don't know how seriously this was taken,

but they definitely had one.

They had a yellow one.

I know specifically they had a cool.

And when they did this project,

they had this idea, they'd modernized the old mini.

And the first iteration of that had,

I think, a bike engine in it and a modernized interior.

I can't remember if it was that one.

Oh, definitely the second one.

That got thrown away.

Because they decided that BMW came in and

went, "No, not sure."

But they did a second one.

These cars were called the Minkies and the

second Minkies still existed.

So the museum in Gadia Minkie.

Nice.

And the second Minkie, they took a mini shell

and they widened and lengthened it.

They let metal in through.

They caught cross-bundered.

And then fitted a K-series engine.

Oh, really?

Okay.

And they gave a

24:52 List of Made-Up Automotive Names

new dashboard and it had the instrument pack

for a beat.

Really?

You can find pictures of this online or you

can go and see the car.

It's in the Gaiden Museum.

Oh, that's really cool.

It still exists.

We've been...

We've been to Gaiden a few times.

I've been there.

Well, I'm trying to think I would remember first.

Yeah, I would.

Well, I saw a beat cluster.

I'd be like, in fairness, first of all,

as though it's been wind and lengthened,

it's such a subtle job.

You wouldn't know it.

Yeah.

It's called Minky II, I think.

And it just looks like a mini with a...

The only thing that's different is it's got a

weird sort of front, like below the bumper,

it's got a little bit of extra metal work.

So I don't think it's always on display.

It might sometimes be in that,

you know, there's like rare groove collection

they have out the back.

that you can get tours off, but it's not.

Is this the way the workshop bit is?

Yes.

I think so.

We normally, if we're over there,

which is quite often, it seems,

we go through the window.

It's in that Minky II, and it's got a Metro

or one hundred, Rover 100 wheels on it.

And it's got a case series.

I remember when this was 2014,

you will probably know this.

They were doing a clear out of the factory,

and they found the R53 prototype that BMW

have claimed we designed from scratch.

Yes.

And yet, the Rover Pro prototype was

literally a mini coupe, the new mini coupe of

the 2000s, but with a riveted on supercharger

scoop and halogen headlamps.

And that was, I remember seeing that and

going, you've passed it to BMW.

The smoking gun was that it had Rover branded

glass in it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because that was the original plan.

I guess then they sort of went to a phone,

Pilkington, have that redone.

But yeah, I don't think it's not a massive

secret that Rover engineers did all the hard work on.

There is that.

Yeah, that's it, isn't it?

That's ridiculous for BMW to go.

That was what Rover to pre BMW had come up

with and they'd be able to both hit and then

went, "Nah, we got to redesign this,

Alfa."

I think so.

Well, they, BMW already owned them.

But what they did do was just go to Rover,

get on with it.

Yeah.

So all that, that's a pre product,

a prototype, a hand-built car.

That was all done at Longbridge.

Yeah.

Yeah.

There's other photos online of like a bunch

of bunnies standing around the first body

shell they made.

And it was all done there.

Yeah.

And then BMW Gwen.

Yeah.

We'll take the credit for that.

Yeah.

So yeah, no, it's a bit, 'cause obviously

those first minis drove really nicely as well.

And it was like, well, that's 'cause Rover did it.

Obviously BMW's drive very nicely as well,

but better on go.

Well, of course it drives.

I see it's a BMW.

It's like, no, no, they don't know what they're doing.

Yeah.

I'm Bridgion Gaiden.

It was a bit unfair, I thought.

But in the most roundabout way,

you're a rule.

Sorry, that's gone on for about two hours,

doesn't it?

But yeah, no, I'm on maximum rule because I

love my Honda.

I'm really excited about my Metro.

As a sentence, lots of people don't a lot.

I'm excited about your Metro.

And I'm really happy to get my Defender back

and I'm really happy I've got some dry storage.

Nice.

To be fair, that is a rule week.

That's a big week.

It's a big week of rules.

Will you?

I'm going to go with a rule.

I can't remember where we were last week,

whether I was on the GAN breakdown.

Yes, you had had them again.

I've now fixed them again, it now works.

And it has a nice race car looking shifter so

I can go and do big down shows.

It's like a tall one.

Yeah, it's like here.

Nice.

Yeah, it's neither the white knob on it as well.

William McCrae.

Yeah, it's great.

I showed my girlfriend and she looked at it in dismay.

She just couldn't understand why,

because you can see all the linkage.

Yeah, she's like, why is this?

Objectively, it's worse.

For living with in a car that drives on the

road, it's worse.

It's better for changing gear if you're one

of us, but it's harder.

Yeah.

I was at the middle of a drive and I went to change GAN.

I noticed, I just realized I was putting a

lot more effort into changing that gear than

I usually would.

I was like, that's not really the point,

but it feels a bit.

It feels a bit.

It's great.

I didn't want to change the gear.

I know what, two hands for reverse.

I'm

pretty, I'm a similar, small,

but rule is

the E36.

I managed to get my final bits of bodywork

done on

it and I lowered it down on the weekend.

I managed to achieve 90s BTCC fitment and I'm

so very pleased and

excited for it.

I can't wait to get the engine.

There is an engine just over there somewhere.

That's going to need to get built up and

thrown in that car.

No more buckaroo.

No more buckaroos.

No, that was, I got very lucky with that.

It was someone commented, I need to find it

for the video and put the screenshot in

because I

need to pay your dues.

Yeah, you got it right.

Someone in the comments section was right.

Surely not.

Surely not.

Surely not.

Surely not.

I leave you to it while you insult

the listeners.

I guess what, I'm going to delete that

covenant credit.

Very often a week to have.

I'm still, this does make me nervous though

because the beat's going to explode on the way home.

Well, just to spite me.

There'll be a parts car here,

you can mix them out.

You can just harvest it for organs.

I need as many parts as I can get.

You're going to be on the way home and go,

what about $9,000?

He tricked me.

It turns out they only go to seven.

Just keeps going and you find your cam belt in orbit.

So we have come up with a list of questions.

We do feel like we're in a job interview with

two laptops.

We're kind of a bit millennial,

Gen Z.

I was going to say normally it's prepared to be normally.

We don't have questions for each other.

No, but we thought we'd prepare some

questions for you so that because we've got

lots of nerdy stuff and questions we were asked.

And obviously there's top gear questions.

We've probably been asked a million top gear

questions before, but we want to know things.

There's always questions that surprise me

that I haven't been asked, though.

There are some here that I'm confident you

haven't been asked.

This one possibly not, but what cars from top

gear didn't turn out either how you wanted or

you wished it was in a different way or a

different car, either for a challenge or you

put forward a car and they went,

no, a changer.

Oh, God.

I mean, we did that thing.

It's not a very well remembered item because

it wasn't very good where we tried to make a

Renault Avon Team lap faster.

Sorry to interrupt Trevor, the owner of this

we've talked about at the podcast was in the room.

He was working on the car with you guys.

He was there.

Oh, okay.

He was the TVR specialist.

Right.

Okay.

Now, I have a link.

That is an interesting link.

Well, it's definitely not Trevor's fault.

It's just not a very good item.

I don't know.

I don't know what was going on there.

It's very well known amongst if you are

hardcore car nerd people.

Yes.

That was amazing because they did.

But again, also, you probably have car nerd

people picking holes in it going.

I bet they weren't running minus three

degrees in their hand on the front.

Yes.

I can't believe you didn't do that.

Yeah.

I know.

I mean, that's not the car's fault.

That was probably the right car for this item.

I suppose it was the item itself.

Just didn't quite hit the spot.

I don't know.

I haven't watched it for years,

but I don't remember

it being very good.

But cars, cars that didn't, I don't

know.

I mean, what was the special?

Was it the, we're going

to find the source of the Nile and they had a state car.

The 850R WRX and it was a 528.

face.

And that was just one of those things where I

think I wasn't in the office for a week or something.

And I came in and they went,

right, we're going to do a state car.

And I went, why?

And I think it was Jeremy to just come,

we should do a state car.

Let's do a state car.

Everyone likes a state car.

And I just don't get it.

I just don't get it.

Can we think of something better?

No.

I was like, no, but seriously,

we could just, we could do, I'm sure there's

something a bit more exciting than we want to do.

And then it was like one of these things quite often.

The presenters just got, you know,

the bit between their teeth and they got all

amped up about stuff, which was one of my

favorite parts of making the show is when

we'd suddenly settle on a type of car we

wanted for something.

And then we'd just sit there,

quite often just the four of us and just be

on auto-tradio.

What about menaros?

How much you can get a menaro for it?

It was almost like, sort of,

we needed one of those kind of,

like, what am I thinking of that,

like sci-fi type sort of minority report war?

But we didn't.

We probably had our phones.

And we're all there, go, wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Hang on, we haven't thought about Elisas,

no, they're too expensive.

What are you talking about?

Just this frenzy of excitement,

just four car nerds, just getting over

excited about what you could buy for something.

To be fair, the literally is describing

exactly what we do.

Yeah, pretty much.

Which is the same thing.

I mean, that's it, isn't it?

It's just Johnny Smith, my podcasting

partner, was staying at my house the other night.

And we stayed up late just on auto-trader.

It's like, it's the only way it's kind of a

wholesome way to spend your time as a car nerd.

But the other hand, just go,

are we wasting our lives?

Because I got to the point where for some

reason we were on, you know,

on Australia, you could do the drop-downs.

Anyway, I was on Toyota and then I just did

the drop-down because there's lots of models of Toyota.

Once you take account of all the JDM stuff

they have on there.

Yeah.

And I was just trying to find the most

obscure JDM Toyota for sale in Britain.

It's just like, why am I doing this?

What is wrong with me?

I sometimes look for cars for sale.

I just look for all cars and then look nearest.

Yeah.

I want to know who has cars for sale near me.

Yeah.

I can drive past and go cars for sale.

I know your game mate.

He's selling up.

He walks out.

We do it quite often.

It's how I think I know that we're probably too far.

God is that we'll go, I saw this red Calibra.

The one with the in front of the car park and it's there.

You know the car already.

You've seen it independently of each other.

You've found the advert.

It's that's ridiculous to know someone else's advert.

Yes, I know that feeling.

And also obviously auto trader as well.

Sometimes you really bought just go all cars

and then set price low to high.

Just to see because obviously it's a load of

spares or repairs stuff.

I like the ones that are normally a price typo.

So you know, they will never sell it because

they haven't checked.

They've got a 45 grand Audi A4.

Yes, 2003.

Why?

I've seen it.

Well, I tell them.

I don't think so.

It's a Bentley Continental GT mate.

I'm pretty sure it's not for sale for £39.

£95.

You've put the dot in the wrong place.

You guys talk a lot about doing auto trade stuff.

Do you frequent Facebook Marketplace,

the best place on earth?

Is it the best place?

It is quite for us.

I feel a bit mucky going there,

but yes I do.

I was saying, I can't remember who I was

saying it to the other day.

Facebook Marketplace now is Gumtree back in the day.

Okay, that's interesting.

I think Gumtree was worse.

Gumtree was worse, but Gumtree now is

literally No Man's Lamb.

We will do it where we're looking for a car

and we go through and classic,

we go through eBay, we look at the auctions

and one of us will go, is it time?

Yes.

All right, I'll go, I'll do it.

I've remembered me and go into Gumtree.

We actually bought a Civic Type-O last year off Gumtree.

And the mileage was rolled back.

There was more filler on it than bodywork.

He was Civic Type-O.

And when I turned up to look at the car,

he went, now here we go out in it and he hit

the limiter four times.

Oh my gosh.

He literally went, yeah, look.

And at this point, the only stone cold.

Yeah, no, he was like, I'll give it a minute

to warm up.

And it was a minute.

And yeah, but I went, cool, I'll give you a gram.

Just to save the car from you,

I will give you a gram.

It's, because Johnny told me a thing about

how prostitutes advertise themselves on

Facebook marketplace as the guys of ladies

dress for sale or something.

You don't have to click on those though,

Richard.

He's got these dresses, trying to fight these

damn prostitutes I'm looking for.

But no, it's, I think like going on to

Facebook marketplace, when you're doing one

of those just idle counts around the

internet, it's sort of, it's like being at a

house party and you go, well,

we've drunk all the beer and we drank that

blue nun wine that we found.

And Facebook marketplace is like,

oh God, should we open that weird purple

spirit that someone brought back from all day?

You know it's not going to end well,

but here you are anyway.

Yeah, to be fair, we buy most of our stuff off Facebook.

Yeah, it's great.

It's not, but it's great.

The car I saw in the recently,

it's probably still there actually,

'cause if I hadn't just bought the Metro,

the next thing that was in my sight was a Toyota Century.

Some slightly obsessed with them.

I think I saw it today.

Was it 15, 4, 9, 5?

Yes, I think it is.

It's got the feather duster and stuff.

Did you see it on Facebook?

I saw it on Facebook too.

It's on auto trader as well.

And I think I only discovered it was all

traded belatedly, but I saw it on Facebook

marketplace and immediately thought,

well, that car looks great, but it can't be

'cause it's on Facebook marketplace.

Then discovered it was on auto traders,

a bit like, oh, that has a veneer of

respectability to it, which makes no sense.

It's still on Facebook marketplace,

but it's almost a bit like, I guess the

owner's just trying every avenue,

which is sensible, but somehow it makes it

grubby that it's on the marketplace.

Yeah, that's the one.

Look at the driveway, the neat driveway for us.

Also, the taper, the take out across the road.

Exactly.

It's actually working out every morning and

going, what the hell is across the road?

Oh, no, I think it's no.

Or is it?

Okay.

We are.

Only on sea, big importance,

in essence.

Now, only on sea can be quite posh in places.

This looks to me like a nice street.

Everything about this car, to me,

says that you could trust the person who's selling it.

But obviously that could all be smokering.

And for those of you, just because it's on Facebook.

Yeah.

That's seeded the daras in my mind.

If it's on Facebook, you're not buying it.

Yeah, it's been used in two robberies in a murder.

That's where TDC comes in.

What kind of century are you saying?

I quite like it.

Okay.

So this is another one.

Nice tangent on that one.

Yeah, big tangent.

This could go on for a long time.

Another question.

I don't think you've ever been asked this.

Did you write the joke?

Charles Peugeot 405@Sitron.com?

No, I think James May did.

Oh, okay, that's good.

I can't.

That's one of our favorites.

Yeah.

I can't remember.

But my instinct is that that is a very James May joke.

Yeah.

James May has a wonderful sense of the absurd.

And when we used to write, that was in the

news, I think, wasn't it?

There were lots of bits in the news that are my favorite.

Oh, bless you.

If we keep going, we'll find one that was mine.

Because we used to sit and watch the show,

and I watched my now wife, and I would sit

there and watch show on a Sunday night.

Which sounds a bit egotistical,

but you sort of had to watch the show because

the edit would only be finished sometimes that day.

Usually the day before, yeah,

because we shot.

Shot studio on Wednesday and they would be

sort of all bolted together.

Oh, of course, yeah.

There's a lot of fiddling and finessing.

And so there was no opportunity to then watch

it before it went out.

And it's fun.

It's like, for me, particularly,

it's like, well, it's out of my hands now.

There's no script needs done.

This is the editor's and director's department.

So you watch on a Sunday night because then

on a Monday morning, we'd be all in the

office to discuss the show, do a little bit

of a debrief.

So you needed to be sort of up on.

Yeah, you mean ever you were out because it

was like you're at a wedding or a party or

something, having to go, yeah,

yeah, I don't like that.

That part where it exploded and everything

that you have.

He said power and everything.

But we used to sit and watch it.

So there would be some line by my

girlfriend's time we'd go.

That's funny, was that one of yours?

Did everybody have to go?

No, Richard thought of that one.

Only last.

I only loved him at their joke.

Yeah, it was.

And I said, I think she's finding out which

bits I've written so she could just do this

to annoy me.

So no, I should have just take credit for it.

But a legal right to measure children,

that is one.

That's a classic.

Without doubt, that's...

What was that in?

It was car seats.

Yeah, I just remember the full context of it.

Yeah, it was, there's news that the police

cannot, they're not allowed to enforce it

because they do not have the legal right to

measure children, but James can't get through

it because he keeps laughing at a single time.

I can't say no.

There are so many, we've talked about it.

There are top gear compilations,

obviously, online.

There are millions of them, but there are

some that are just some of the punchlines and funnies.

And we have said that that is...

Oh yeah, I'm not, so there's a compilation

called Top Gear Lofts.

The guarantee it has now five to 10 million views.

And I've watched it at any time.

This might sound a little bit sad.

Any time I've ever been down,

I'm not joking, I will go and watch it

because it will instantly put you in a good mood.

I've said it before, if it doesn't,

you're broken.

Yeah, you're broken, you're broken.

I'm like that with that

compilation of Hackettie dog things.

Do you know him, the

dog puppet off CBB's links?

No.

Go, Hackettie, Little Dog bloopers.

He's a dog puppet who's very sassy and a lot

of the time he copes, one, I can't remember his surname.

It's just the famous "We're normal men"

thing, if you don't know that meme.

Which is normal men.

And it is in the bloopers, 'cause she

completely loses, obviously does that brilliant snort.

But there's a whole load of them where,

'cause it's obviously the puppeteer,

I can't remember his name, Phil,

something that puppeteer is doing the voice.

I think he's just a very freewheeling guy.

Do whatever he wants.

And there's one bit where she goes,

"What are you in for your tea,

Hacker?"

And he just goes, "Goose."

literally blindsides her and then she loses it.

And it's lots of that.

That's my cheer up.

So this is now on 4.2 million views 13 years ago.

This has been around for a while.

So I get a quid every time someone watches

it, I remember.

I wish.

I absolutely jacked idly nothing.

But there is, 'cause I went on a thing with Ben Collins.

And because he was the stick,

he might have mentioned that I should look up

the stick intros because he'd said something

to me in advance about, "Oh,

I wanna talk to you about the stick intros."

and I found that someone has comped together

every single stick intro.

And I put it on on my laptop while I was making dinner.

And it was a bit like, at the end,

you know that bit in Father Ted where Father

Dougal just goes, "Ted, I'm going mad."

It was like that for me.

I was like, "Oh my God, I'm having such

flashbacks to a vast chunk of my career."

So those were mostly your...

Those were mostly mine.

It was one of my responsibilities was to

assemble a draft studio script on a Monday,

I'd usually do that.

And I'd choose to the presenter would come in

and we would do sort of fleshing it out,

we would do the news which we'd have for sort

of a stack of press releases and we'd just

sit in a room and try and make each other laugh.

But there was all this sort of housekeeping

stuff like we need to introduce the stick,

we need to introduce the guest,

we need a menu at the top, we need to get in

and out of these films.

And I would do all that and sort of then show

my homework to the presenter on Tuesday

morning and they would kind of go,

"Yeah, I like that, but what about this?"

Or, "I don't want to say that,

can I say this?"

Or whatever, then we'd just dismantle it and rebuild it.

So my goal was always to try and make the

presenter's laugh as soon as they read the

stick intro, and maybe the guest intro as

well, Jeremy, because he had to do those bits usually.

And if he laughed, then it was a bit like,

"Yes, I'm in there, that's okay,

we can leave that now, that's done,"

and move on to other stuff.

So it was a good sort of, you know,

test.

The menu at the

top was that tonight.

Now, how far in was it before you realized

you could just do absolute bullshit?

Well, those together as well.

I can't remember.

It was an

ongoing thing.

It was almost that entire thing was a bit

like an in joke, because our executive

producer Andy Wilman,

the running gag that Jeremy was just saying

was, Wilman believes that the menu at the top

of the show, the show is like a green

grosser's shop, and the menu is your freshest

and shiniest produce on the table at the

front of your shop.

You draw people in with your shiny green

apples and your luscious red strawberries.

You need that there.

and you two are putting manky potatoes and

light bulbs and dog turds there,

'cause you think it's funny,

and it's not drawing people in the shop,

and we were like, people are coming in the

shop anyway, so you don't know what top gear

is by now, and they'll either like us or hate

us, so it's time to dick around.

And the more we dicked around and the more,

because what we'd do is we'd get the script,

the presenters of me, we would get the script

to a state, we were happy with it,

and then on a Tuesday afternoon,

we would do what we called the read-through,

the whole office would gather in a room,

and the presenters would read the studio

links out to see if the joke sort of landed,

and it would start with the menu,

and Jeremy would start to make a great

theatrical thing of it, juggling his script

and then go, "Tonight, I wear a hat,

James smells a rabbit, and Richard stands by a wall."

And Will would just go, "Oh,

for God's sake."

And we would delight in that,

and next week we're gonna make it even more stupid.

But were there more laughs for that than when they were?

Yes.

Look at the early shows, it is quite

sensible, isn't it?

In fact, I saw one.

I don't know how I saw this.

Maybe I was watching a compilation of intros

or something, but there was a bloody awful joke.

We had Jordan on in the first,

second, third series, maybe.

And I think we used, in the menu,

we used a clip of her going off the track,

and the line was something like,

"And Jordan makes a boob on our track."

And I was like, "Oh my God."

It's like 1973.

What the bloody hell?

I mean, I know it was a long time ago now,

but not that long ago.

That is a bad one.

line.

And I hope I didn't write it.

I don't remember writing it,

but I would have been in the room.

Maybe I did go, maybe I was off the track.

But generally, they were quite,

you know, they were the green grocery shop

with the nice shiny green apples at the front.

It was, and the Ford Focus ST,

rips it up on our track.

It was like meant to be a sales pitch.

People go, "Oh, I want to see that."

Whereas, laterally, it would have been,

"And our orange car!"

Or something stupid that just doesn't really

sell it all.

This thing, or lots of people always think,

"Oh, YouTube is so different to TV."

But that is essentially what you have to do on YouTube.

You have to have it in the first 10 seconds,

whatever.

You've got to keep people in.

But we always wonder, how does that work on TV?

It's not on YouTube.

You've got everything.

You've got people commenting below.

You can see how many views it's got,

how many people have liked it,

all that kind of stuff.

I guess TV is slightly different.

Yeah, you just have to trust.

Well, that's the thing.

I suppose the cameras are very lucky that I

probably worked in the end of a golden era of

television in terms of going with what you

thought was right and not having constant

feedback from viewers because although that

can be useful, it can also, I think,

sell you a dummy sometimes.

Jeremy used to have this thing where he'd

say, "Nobody

hates you more than your biggest fans."

Yeah, absolutely.

And I think that's very true.

And it's because they're rooting for you,

but then it's almost like you constantly disappoint them.

Yeah, exactly.

If they expect something of you and then you

don't deliver that thing, that is not exactly

what they expect, they go, "What the hell?"

We used to have this with Top Gear,

and I have it now with Smith and Sniff,

where I sometimes go, "Why do people like us?

When were we good?

Where's this mythical, excellent episode we

did that just sold someone on us forever?

We never got better than that,

Ben."

And it's like, there wasn't one.

I just don't know.

And I felt the same with Top Gear.

It's been like, "What do these ultra hardcore

fans who love us but criticize us heavily for

what they see as failings to live up to this high bar?"

"Where was that bar set?

What's the perfect episode of a perfect item?"

And I'm sure they could tell you that a lot

of them could in a very sort of thoughtful

and lengthy way.

But we never get that in the comments.

The comments are short and punchy and critical.

And we only sort of came in on the tail end

of social media and comments.

And I count that as a blessing because,

do you remember there was a website?

Well, still there's a website called Final Gear.

Yeah, I remember being on it.

I was like nine or 10.

Oh, wow.

God, I, well, that, I mean, it was,

when did that star then?

I was in the UK, so that would have been pre-2008.

Oh, okay.

I think is when I remember seeing it.

I don't think we knew about it for a long

time and then discovered it.

And, you know, that is your hardcore fan base.

But obviously then it's your most critical fan base.

And I think for a while, we did almost

sometimes, you know, a new show ago,

and then someone in the office would

foolishly look at final gear and go,

"Oh God, they hated."

Yeah.

Yeah.

And they would, you know, we'd think we'd all

be collectively have more confidence in this.

We'd do this for years.

But then we'd be a bit of like,

"Why did they hate it?"

And then it just knocks you in that slight way.

We have the same conversation with everyone

who's ever done YouTube kind of ever is that

you will get a million comments saying,

"You guys are smashing.

I absolutely love you."

But the one person that says,

"I hate you for no reason."

You go, "Why?"

"How can I win you over?"

"Yes, I want you to like me."

"Can I come to your house and make you move?"

"Yeah, there is some reason."

"I mean, I talk to other people about this.

There was a great oatmeal cartoon about it as well.

That's exactly what you're saying.

You know, sort of million likes and million

people going, "You're the best thing ever."

And one person just goes, "Yeah,

didn't like it much."

And your whole ego comes crumbling down.

It's preposterous, really.

But I don't know.

I think as human beings, very few of us are

actually built to exist in this environment.

Oh, yeah.

It's, yeah.

The YouTube's even worse.

But yeah.

Actually, on that subject, do you get annoyed?

I don't know how much of YouTube you watch or

sort of keep up to date with,

but at the sort of Top Gear clones,

if you like, if you know what I mean?

'Cause I mean, I guess in a way,

it's, they're inspired by it,

but there's a lot of content that we see.

I mean, there's stuff we've done.

Of course.

That we've done because it's us reliving a

childhood watching Top Gear on the telly,

but I think we're in a different realm where

we can be creative enough, we do our own

thing, but there are a lot out there that go,

we're the new Top Gear.

We are now Top Gear for the social media generation.

Does that bother you that there's not as much creativity?

It doesn't bother me, 'cause obviously it's

very flattering, and I think it's a reminder,

for those of us who worked on the show,

of its resonance, which goes beyond anything

we'd ever have imagined, when we were just

making this show for a Sunday night on BBC

Two, doing the best we could,

screwing up quite a lot.

But getting away with it, mostly,

we hope.

But no, I watch your stuff, and I think this

is a nice possible way.

I think I can tell that you grew up watching Top Gear.

Absolutely.

But it doesn't feel like a tribute act.

No, yeah.

And I'm not saying that just 'cause you've

got my car blocked in person.

I need to leave tonight.

But genuinely, there are other channels as well.

The same thing, I kind of go,

I think I can spot in the nicest possible way.

I'm quite proud that there is a certain

amount of influence here, perhaps from

something that I was involved in.

And obviously, it wasn't just me as well.

There was a whole massive team of people.

And so I can't even go, well,

they're ripping me off here.

But...

In the comments.

There are a few.

There was one or two in particular where I

have watched it and kind of gone,

well, now hang on a sec.

I know how this sauce is made.

And I think you've nicked the recipe.

And I find that a hard watch only because A,

it's a bit like, come on.

Could you not have thought of something a

little bit different?

This feels like a real tribute act.

You know, this is, this is by Jovey as I

want, sort of sized in the window of a pub.

And it's like, I don't know.

I just wish you'd been able to take what

you've absorbed and put it through your own

lens, your own filter, your own

personalities, rather than slavishly copying.

Because some of it is slavish.

You kind of go, it's almost shot by shot.

And I know there's a guy in the US that I

know who said, that they, it was quite open about it.

He went, we were making some car YouTube.

We sat down and we analyzed,

almost frame by frame episode to top gear and

went, okay, then they cut to this shot here

and they use this shot here.

And this is what they do.

And this kind of music here,

they basically like, you know,

did a tear down on an episode.

So they could then like, you know,

like a sort of Chinese car company from 20

years ago, dismantling a Citroen ZX and go,

right, now we're going to make our own Citroen ZX.

And then you go, that Chinese car looks a lot

like a Citroen ZX for some reason.

And it was a bit like that with a couple of

things I've seen on YouTube where I did sort

of this thing.

You clearly, you know how to make good quality videos.

Why not use that power to sort of do the next generation?

Because there are loads of things and I'd

include you guys in it and plenty of other

people I've watched.

So I've been really impressed and kind of

gone, you know, it's sort of good that Jeremy

Richardson James have stepped back from car

TV now because there is a new generation

doing lots of really good stuff.

I think sorry to keep blowing smoke up your

glasses, but I love the fact that you two

know how to actually work on cars.

Well, yeah.

Well, you're better than me.

I'm massively impressed by somebody who can

even dismantle brakes or anything like that

and not die immediately when they set off in

the car later.

So that kind of thing where you're sort of

harnessing your superpowers and then using

that as your spin is really interesting to me

because it is not a clone of top hero or grand tour.

And there's loads of other stuff like that.

People who've sort of gone, we like that

show, we're inspired by that show perhaps,

but we are also us and we will do what we do

with a due sense that perhaps without,

because there were other car shows on sort of

when Top Gear was in its pomp.

I don't know.

We've said before that it's between kind of,

we are kind of a mix of Top Gear and Wheeler dealers.

Yes.

Realistically, that's our kind of other facet

that's quite similar to what we do is backing

around with cars that shit, making them a

little bit less shit, doing something with them.

But yeah, no, I think we said even this was,

well, we were behind the scenes at Carter at

all before, I don't think there was ever a

day at Carter at all where either of us

thought, at least for me, I'm gonna end up on

that camera.

No, it was literally a thing of,

hey, we get to mess around with cars behind

the scenes while every now and then we get to

help out on a shoot or something.

This is worth it.

But there was a thing beat down that I think

both of us were like, great to be able to do top gear.

And I think anyone that is into cars will feel that.

After watching any episode, they will go,

God, I wish I could do that.

Yeah, I mean, what you watch really guys

doing, whether it's the shit cars in Africa

or cheap cars or whether you're super cars in

Italy, people are gonna watch that and go,

if I had two mates to do that with,

it's this aspiration that if that was my job,

this is the greatest job in the world.

And obviously now people have YouTube,

they can sort of copy that in a way,

on the budget, and also I think comments a

lot from the audience, they will see two

people or three people on camera and near

cars and they go, "Bloody, oh,

this is just like Top Gear."

Yes, there's a bit of that.

And then sometimes people see that and go,

"We're just like Top Gear."

Yeah.

We should just do the same 'cause people are

scared to go outside of what they see as

successful car content and they go,

"If we do exactly what Top Gear did,

we will be a success."

But I don't think that's the way of finding out.

inspiration that we have from growing up,

but we do the stuff that we wanna do.

And I think the other thing that anyone who's

ever understood anything about Top Gear is,

at least that I think is 20% a car show,

10% a car show.

Yes.

It's mostly just mates sticking around.

And it's what--

It's causing the excuse.

Yeah, it will always boil down to if Will is

a stranger next to me and we don't get on,

it's not gonna be good 'cause I'm not gonna

be able to make the joke about the fact that

you like a shit car and I like one that's

also shit, but I think mine's better.

It won't work.

It needs to depend on you being friends,

not necessarily friends, but having chemistry

enough to make the car's beef people.

We get this with Smith and Sniff because,

again, I'd say it's supposed to be a car

podcast, but I think it's 20% on a good week.

But if we talk about cars too much,

we get complaints.

Really?

Yeah.

Bit car-y that episode, wasn't it?

It's like there are people, whereas if we've

gone, oh, there's a new, Renault 4 out and

then gone, but you know, the thing about

herons is, they're bastards,

aren't they?

It's like, people are a bit like good,

I'm glad you talked about herons being

bastards, 'cause they are, aren't they?

And it's a bit like, you weren't interested

in the Renault 4 though.

And we have a people go, look,

if I want to know about the Renault 4,

I'll go to a proper car podcast or a car website.

That's good.

But that, whatever you're doing is something

different, so roll with it.

And I think it's, yeah, the same is probably

true of top gear.

It's like, the cars were, no pun intended,

a vehicle for.

Yeah, absolutely.

It's funny you mentioned wheel of dealers

though, 'cause I think wheel of dealers is

the unsung hero of car shows.

I genuinely--

Doesn't get the credit it doesn't.

And also, 'cause I've got family abroad,

I also like, I grew up, I lived in Africa for

a while, but everyone abroad knows wheel of

dealers just as much as they tend to know top gear.

Really?

It's really weird, especially in Europe.

It's huge.

They are all, all my Dutch, yeah,

it's your China.

What?

Why do you know in China, why are you

watching wheel of dealers?

They're just in Holland, just watching a,

you know, a Mach five, Mach four Fiesta get

restored and get always put on it.

Why are you doing that?

Because they can't understand a word Mike

says, but they just sort of guess and they

look for the clues.

I think you would say it's 'cause Ed China is

the Dutch word for like lavatory brush or something.

It's so funny.

It's really possible.

I was thinking, and I did sort of have this

sense that, you know, even when we were

making top gear and it was a bit like,

we're the world's biggest car show.

And I was thinking, are we though?

'Cause I was kind of aware wheel of dealers

is covertly massive, just 'cause it's sort of

there, isn't it?

And it's been there for years.

And God bless him.

Like, Brewer just, he just gets on with it.

And he's very patient on social media with

people still giving him flack,

but where was Ed?

He's like ridiculous.

Leave him alone.

He's just trying to make a little bit of

entertaining TV for you every episode.

And I think they are sort of just there

flying under the radar.

Also, we've joked about it for what it's,

it's the meme that he doesn't for the love of the game.

Honestly, whenever Alex talks to him,

he's like, "I just like messing with cars,

man.

I'm just here to mess with cars."

Which is literally, I think that's basically

what we'll end up being.

I don't care if four people are watching us.

There'll be some sheds that I'll be under,

changing your good ball joint now.

And Facebook marketplace.

They'll be something new by then.

It'll be even more sleazy somehow.

There's openly prostitutes on there next to a

K11 micro for 300 quits.

And I'm here for both of them.

Someone's stop shop.

I'm sure we will have some more.

We'll move on to a section we have written

here as General Richard questions.

And top of that list, we have,

do you name cars?

No, good.

Fantastic.

No, I don't.

And I'll be honest, he's gone home,

hasn't he?

Yes, yeah.

I cringe when I hear Alex doing that.

It makes me, I just, I mean,

no, brass isn't too confusing because someone

will come in here and go, can you move Richard?

Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know.

Why do you just ask him?

Richard, I don't know which it is.

The first time I ever met Chris,

our merch guy, it was with Alex at an event

and he had unknowingly sold a percette to

Chris and Chris.

Chris, Chris, what?

Chris, Chris, he was sleep-percettied.

So it was from Car Throttle and Chris,

I cannot remember the life of me what it was,

but it was like, "Oh yeah, I'll come down in Gregory."

And I stared at him and went,

"What?"

"Okay."

And Chris said, "You know, Gregory,

you worked with Gregory."

I was like, I'm afraid mate,

I don't know what you're talking about.

You went to Passat.

Okay, I understand.

Let me be clear, it's not called Gregory,

it's called Volkswagen Passat.

They named him before you.

They named him with names.

Taken care of.

I'm open to a nickname sometimes,

but when a car has a nickname,

if it has a cup, it's a widow maker or it's a pink pig.

Yes.

I'm open to that.

Where it earns a name.

Yes.

When you just go, this is my car,

his name is Dave.

No, no, no, no, his name is Volkswagen Passat.

I sometimes get in my beat.

I go, hello, little car.

Yeah.

No, yeah.

But I don't call it little car.

That's just what I say to it,

because it's a little car.

You talk to it.

I don't go, hello, Steve.

If you thought I would get a terrible name.

Steve, mate, you're a little bit cold this morning.

A friend of my mum's was half Japanese and

she called her daughter, Sakoru.

It was a Japanese name and I was put as a

really pretty name.

And I was always like, "Oh, if I ever have a

daughter, which I now do, I'd love to call her Sakoru."

But it feels a bit like sort of cultural appropriation.

But maybe I could call the beat,

if I was so.

Sakoru, that's his legal name.

Yes, exactly.

But the government name is possible.

But no, I can't, why do you not like people naming cars?

Like, what's the root of it?

For me, it's more, it's actually more the

type of, because of the name.

It's because it tends to be like this cutesy,

like, "Oh, no, that's just my little Joffrey."

No, no, come on, it's a car.

I think you can, you can make a car a person.

Again, like you said, like, if a car doesn't

work, you can talk to it.

And it's perfectly normal.

But when you start giving it a name,

remember, we talked about the advert of the

Jaguar and the man was selling two Jaguars.

Oh, it was.

And he had names for both of them.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

It was Jenny the Jag.

And I can't remember what the other one was

called, but he basically said,

I have to, he did the whole ad as if it was

the Jag in 12 years.

Oh, good, thank God.

I am called Jenny.

No, no.

I have to leave.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no,

no.

And if, yeah, I can understand it,

name and car.

I think it's something that you like to do to

solidify car in that way.

But that's what I get.

I've seen too many adverts of that to not

think instantly of, yeah, like instantly like

a shrivel up inside.

If you meet someone, you go,

oh, is that your MGB?

And they go, yes, that's Jennifer.

And I just want to go uni therapy.

It has a name.

The other thing I have a funny is the

equivalent of going, introducing your child

and going, this is my son James,

then I'm going, no, it's not,

I agree.

And just changing your beat.

Yeah, that's a different thing.

That's the thing, the guy selling the Jag,

'cause I once went to see a lady who was

selling some puppies, she was a professional

breeder, that sounds very seedy of a genuine,

some duck telling retriever puppies.

And she said, and if you adopt one of my

puppies, you must tell me its name

immediately or I shall give it a name.

It was a bit like, no, you bloody won't,

you're asking it, you're quick for these things.

But with the Jag guy go, and you must keep

calling it Jenny.

Oh, I'm sure, I'm sure you would.

Like, here you go.

Thanks mate.

I didn't keep meaning to ask because that

was, it was a car my granddad genuinely bought.

Yeah.

So I need to, he would have gone to see it.

I need to ask him how that went down because

that would be my name.

Even if the car was amazing and it was a

great deal, you still have to go and speak to that man.

Yeah.

Or woman or whatever it was and they have to,

they will say, Oh, my Jenny is for sale.

You won't take John away as well.

You wouldn't separate John from Jenny,

would you?

Well, John's a cry.

Those are headlight washes.

I wonder if their car gets crashed into?

They must be.

We were talking to Tony and I don't know if

it was in the video or anything,

but he said, well, I think I wasn't that in the podcast.

Well, they said they considered their smart

cars as their kids and the woman cried when

she left it.

It's getting serviced.

So people do, you know, people form bombs

with their cars.

That's completely understandable,

but I just can't.

I think you should just get like a dog for that.

Yeah.

A dog you can name and you can call it John

and no one's ever going to question it.

Yeah.

Because you can't just call it Ridgeback or Labrador.

You're like, I have to give this to you.

Make an model is no good with dog.

This is my great name.

What's his name?

Great.

Thank you.

I'm not in 83.

I think you're right, though.

It's

the Keatsiness, isn't it?

That's what's cloying about.

Yeah.

No, but and the manufacturer has given it a

perfectly understandable.

A group of people have, despite some of them

being quite poor.

At great expense and time as well.

They sat in a boardroom for hours and hours

and years and then you've gone,

"No, no, I've got them."

Not always great.

What was that thing we saw?

The symbiote.

Oh, the symbiote?

Oh, yes.

I said it.

I thought it was some sort of custom badge.

I didn't know this car existed and I looked

up and that is our thing.

It's the zed where they've gone,

"Oh,

the zed will make it more useful and exciting."

What are the kids doing?

But they have something to get a disease.

Moving on, we've got another big question.

Could, what specific car smell could you

identify immediately?

Oh, I don't know if this could either be,

you need to identify the maker model and year

or perhaps, you know, a specific glue.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, because that's the thing,

rather than type of specific car smell like

burning clutch or something,

but I mean, but you could smell and go,

"I don't know what that is."

Well, yes, definitely BMWs, I think.

Okay.

I think they have a, they still have a smell.

Fiats, '90s and 2000s fiats have a smell.

Do they smell like, is that the one that

smells like crayons?

What's the, there's something that smells like crayons?

Oh, yes.

That's quite well known.

Do they?

It's got these Volkswagen, it's Mark III Golfs.

I think they smell like crayons.

There is a waxy sort of smell to them,

yes.

It's funny, isn't it?

'Cause you don't, your brain can't really

memorize smell and you sort of,

you're trying to summon it up somehow

virtually, but, and definitely,

like, probably '80s, but '90s,

Rover Group stuff.

And in a way, it's a bit sad,

isn't it?

'Cause things like that, like '90s Rover or

'90s fear, what if it's all gone?

That smell no longer exists on Planet Earth,

'cause it's all worn off.

Yeah, the last bit of his best offer's gone.

And it's literally impossible to recreate,

because it's such an amalgam of specific

plastics and glues and fabrics,

and you just go, it would be,

I mean, you'd have to be deranged to spend

the money trying to recreate it.

I'd go into it, hell of a documentary,

if you were a rich eccentric person,

just go,

The quest was to recreate the smell of a '98 Punto.

Also, a Chinese car thing, that market enjoys

the new car smell, so they have to engineer

in using whatever glues and whatever to make

sure it smells like a new car.

Yeah.

Because if you wanted to, you could make it smell nice.

Yeah, nothing.

Arie was told that Chinese buyers generally

don't like new cars,

Oh, really?

And Dave worked really hard to engineer it

out, and Chealy, I think, were very proud,

only about two or three years ago,

of a new model that used no glue in its interior.

Yeah.

Because the glues are obviously a big

contributor to the smell.

They looked at you.

There's only E36 headlines at the 90s.

Yeah, copy that.

Don't need that.

Whatever it is, yeah.

Whatever a new car smells like is a new car smell.

Yeah.

You can never get rid of a new car smell.

No, no.

But here's our new car.

It has no new car smell, and you smell it and

go, "That's a new car smell."

Yeah.

"This smells like a new car."

Oh, god damn it.

Should we try for old cars smell?

Oh no, that's worse.

I mean, it's nothing stuck together.

Yeah, it's fine, doesn't smell of anything.

When I put the roof off of my Honda,

particularly, which I've only driven it like

three times with the roof up,

it definitely has a sort of old car smell,

but it's not an old '70s car,

even '80s car.

I think it's a very specific '90s car smell.

I agree with that.

There is a, we drive a lot of '90s stuff.

My next five inside has the same smell as the beat.

It's the same.

Yeah, it has a weird '90s smell.

'90s Roadster smell.

(laughs)

Yeah, and that's it.

Why is it not aired out?

I drive that thing everywhere with the roof down.

How is it not aired out?

What is in there making the smell?

There is something in there.

It's '90s plastics and glues,

definitely.

But I did, I tried to look into this.

I wanted to do a feature and it just couldn't

make it stand up and also probably it's too

boring even for me.

But into new car smell, what's causing it?

And it is plastics, it is glues.

But I did get to talk to some engineers who

said it's even because actually,

I think it was a guy from Toyoterie said,

we realize, and this is ignoring China,

that some customers find new car smell

actually a bit overpowering and unpleasant,

but chemically.

So the target is actually as little smell as possible.

And we have identified that even the

warehousing conditions where like the

dashboards are stored when they've been

molded, but are waiting to be shipped to the

factory can somehow affect, I guess maybe

because of the off-gassing of the fresh

plastics or whatever, the smell that results

in the car when it's finished.

Oh my god, this is so complicated and yet so boring.

Hermetically sealed dashboards needed from here.

The Chinese, the Chinese, China is just

filled with warehouses with vacuum-packed car

parts where they're like, I won't smell an

inch of that.

Boy, they hang the dashboards from a line,

like washing.

They air them out or like cured meat.

Exactly.

It's your dashboard.

There you go.

That doesn't smell at all now.

It's got a breeze through it.

Another one here we've got, what is all

litmus tests working out if someone is a car

nerd or not?

No, not really.

I think you've got a feel for it,

haven't

you?

But you can tell quite quickly.

Depending on their speciality.

Yeah.

I think a really easy, what would be the

opposite of a red flag, like a blue flag or something?

Green flag.

Green flag, the breakdown company.

And also the way in which you know you can

chat to somebody at a wedding because they're

not an idiot about cars.

It would be just very casually use a model code.

Yeah.

So I'll put that question in.

That's part of what made me think of that.

Someone who uses a model code or a mark,

a mark to or a gen two or whatever.

Yeah.

It's just, it's just the subtle codes.

And I think a model code, it's the unself

conscious way that you'd say it.

If you, I can smell somebody who's just learned it.

Yeah.

If they went, yes, I believe it was a W124.

Yeah.

Not buying it.

But this goes to confidence.

I don't want to form before that.

I want to.

You've dropped the W as well.

You know, because you know, I know.

You know, I'm not assuming it's an S.

I'm not.

It's not abbreviating the chassis code.

It's a B&W.

It's a 46.

Yes.

On E46.

Well, that's implied, isn't it?

Yeah.

It is an E46.

The other thing for me is a subtle paint code drop.

Oh, gosh.

If it's a, especially with BMW,

B&W people are bad for it.

We're like, yeah, the hair is black,

E92.

Like, lovely.

Lovely thing.

I'm on board.

I know what you talk about.

We're all good.

We did it to bed the other day with him

talking about the M4.

We're like, was it San Marino?

What car are you up to?

Is it a comp or not?

I can't, I'm not good on bidders.

I can do Techno Violet at 20 paces,

but otherwise I'm not.

I'm not strong on bidders.

Old, you know, BL stuff.

Someone showed me a picture of this Range Rover.

They bought a 70s Range Rover and I was straight away.

Is it Bahama yellow?

Yeah.

I knew it.

Tuscany blue bar.

If someone uses the wrong sort of designation

for a mark, like, if it's a BMW and they go,

that's a mark two, three series.

That's not, no one says that.

But it's, but it's so wrong.

So, so, so wrong.

So, so, so wrong.

But I hate you.

Please use these numbers.

It's so weird how that is absolutely unacceptable.

No one says mark two, three series.

And yet, I would say if you went,

oh, you're mark two micro, that's okay.

Even though K11 would be the correct higher

dog whistle of car nerdry, but mark two micro is okay.

You're not going to call them out on it.

But it's like a cultural thing where it's

like, yeah, okay, you're fine.

But you must learn that there is a way that

we say it that it's correct.

Yeah.

are only in marks, please.

Yes, they are, aren't they?

Even though, you know, you sort of would,

you know, or polos or whatever,

and you'd go, yeah, it's a 9N.

But you don't need to.

It's okay because it's super.

They're marks.

Yes.

Yeah.

Everyone knows a mark for super.

I might start doing the marks now in the

wrong way, just to be annoying.

Just to be annoying.

It's a mark for the S class.

We were talking about the Ford ones the other day.

And we were talking about no one actually has

no nose, a particular generation of Fiesta.

Yeah.

So I'm going to go to mark five.

You go, I was at the mid 2000s one.

They go, no, one about the early 2000s.

Well, because there's, there's great sort of

civil war about these things,

aren't there?

But at the same time, no one really knows the

model codes properly, do they?

Yeah, that's interesting.

No one's assumed a chassis code to solve it.

Mark one, one day.

Oh, there's, there's the original and then

there's the big headlight one.

Yeah.

And some people might call it a mark two.

Yeah.

But nobody goes, no, look, I'm still talking

about CDW 27.

Because, which I, you know, it just is,

but it's like, I don't know.

I always think marks in Ford's it has to be a

can actually as a complete chassis change,

but no, because Mark two Fiesta is just a face lift.

And also internally in Ford,

the Cortina Mark five was never called that by Ford.

It was the Cortina 80 because it was just a

big facelift for 1980.

So they just decided now we're not.

Yeah.

I'm not following this anymore.

Ford themselves don't know.

We're in no man's land anywhere.

The manufacturers go.

I love that Porsche have just gone.

Yeah.

We're just using chassis codes now.

You've got to have to learn.

Yeah.

We go by number.

Yeah.

That's number all the same number.

And they're all very similar numbers.

Yeah.

We might throw a point two in there just to confuse you.

We don't care.

It's not point two.

I wondered if Ladbrooks or Betfair or someone

would take the odds on what the next 9/11 will be.

I had this exact...

'Cause they're running out.

A few years ago.

Yeah.

'Cause there's no way of knowing.

We had a discussion the other day.

My girlfriend went for a job interview at

Porsche and they're just behind the scenes on stuff.

I was teaching her the model codes,

which was tough.

That was pulling teeth in the nicest possible way.

She was going, "So is a box that is as convertible?"

"No, no, no, a 9/11 can be convertible too."

"Oh, what's going on?"

But in the end, she went, "Okay,

so a 9/8 one is the same as a 9/9 one,

but a box to version."

And I went, "Hold on."

Yes!

That's exactly correct.

Whatever the 9/11 is, minus 10 is what the

box during Cayman is, except for the 718,

which makes no sense.

And then I came in and told Will and Ben,

they were like, "Yeah, yeah,

that's the thing."

I've never realised that before,

am I?

I actually can't remember what our client is,

but someone's a 9/5 one.

Yeah, and someone used a number on that,

and it was alien to me.

We shouldn't be using that number for the

Cayenne, I just go, "Is it the ugly Cayenne

or a 9/5?"

Well, under there have been W's,

I'm okay with the saloons in the E numbers,

but X5, I have to really think about that,

because I just sort of like X5.

Is it?

Is that the second one?

That's the second one.

X5 A.

It's much easier marked it.

X5 is always like that, it's allowed,

because I can also picture them quite clearly.

But yeah, I don't Porsche, have you ever been

so bored that you've started at 9/01 and

tried to go up and see if you can think of

every four people?

Every single one.

It's harder than it looks, isn't it?

You get very drowning in the teens.

I did it the other day for just Audi's.

I was like, okay, so you can get,

I think you actually talked about this every

recently on a podcast, that you can get A12.

3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8.

And then Q, you've got no one,

but you've got one.

There's a Q1.

Is there a Q1?

There was an A1 and now it's gone.

So it starts a Q2.

There is a Q1.

Q2 is the, I don't like the Q2,

because that's the one with the really far

apart tail line.

Two, three, the slot.

There's two, three, four, five.

Yes, six, no.

No Q6.

Yeah, there's a Q6, isn't there?

It's one of the each one.

Because they had this thing where it's like

odd numbers are going to be petrol and even

numbers are going to be electric.

Anyway, no, that's too confusing.

Sorry, we've changed it.

It's like, you only started doing it last year.

I had zero, zero understanding.

I don't know that's the thing.

There is this danger now that that's just a

quantity of Audi, isn't there?

Do you feel, I feel this recently.

I feel like I'm losing my touch.

It's like a pro basketball player watching,